When the elevator's running slow, you clench your teeth and curse under your breath. If you still haven't received your latte or a restaurant table, you snap at the barista or hostess and demand to know why it's taking so long. Everyone has those moments where they run short on the ability to stay calm in the face of frustration, adversity, or suffering, also known as patience. Your emotions become activated. When this happens, it's kind of a whole-body response. Our heart rate may increase. The amount of electricity coming off our skin (called skin conductance) might change. It also depends on what emotion might be occurring. Anxiety over missing your next meeting if something doesn't happen in time might be a little different from impatience that's more driven by anger. But with all these things, your physiological system is aroused and starts to enter a stress response a fight-or-flight type of arousal. Sometimes impatience helps us focus our attention and prepares us for action. But when it's a situation that you can't control or there isn't a lot you can do, changing your own emotions is the option you have basically down-regulating them and bringing yourself back to a state of calm. Another step I like to talk about is connecting your suffering, waiting, or trouble with your bigger purpose or life goals. Is there meaning in what you're going through? How can you tap into that meaning as a resource to help you cope with this negativity at the moment? We've done studies looking at the virtue of patience in psychiatric inpatients hospitalized for suicide risk or other psychiatric disorders. We found even among that population, those who were more patient were able to deal with crises more effectively. They also see a decrease in depression symptoms. It's something that even in acute instances of suffering, patience can help with a person's recovery. Practicing patience might be hard in the heat of the moment. Imagine you're dealing with your child who's having a tantrum, waiting to hear breast biopsy results, or stuck in traffic before a really important meeting you can try to use these tips at the moment. But for creating habits, what research suggests is effective is practicing these strategies during times that aren't quite as stressful, or more minor things throughout the day. Try to be patient when the elevator comes too slowly. That way, you've got some skills built up by the time you get to a more high-stakes situation. Talking about your efforts with others can be really helpful. It's better to train rather than try. Regularly practicing meditation or just being more mindful are also correlated with higher patience. You can also build your patience by increasing your emotional fluency, which is the ability to recognize and name your emotions. Emotional fluency makes it easier to reappraise situations when you're in the moment or afterward. If you change the way you think, that changes how you feel but first, you need to know what you feel. In the context of a romantic relationship or marriage, consider what it is you're building instead of just focusing on the negative instances. Fill up the positive side that motivates you to stick with your patience during struggles.
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